I told my son that I was sad, that I was having a bad day. I said it to him as if he would understand. He’s four.
Why did I feel the need to share that with him?
It was like a warning. I already felt the need to apologize to him, though I hadn’t done anything wrong. But just in case mom is too quiet… Just in case I yell about something stupid, just in case I’m lazy today, or you hear me cry…
“I am just a little sad son. I am just having a bad day.”
“Tomorrow I will be better. I promise.”
He says… “It’s okay to be sad mom. “
He hugs me and says, “I know you’re sad, but I want to tell you something. I love you mom.”
I am sad, and I am having a bad day. But because of him, tomorrow will be better.
Dear son, You’re sleeping now, so this will probably be the best moment for me to spill my guts out. There was a time when I couldn’t see myself wanting or having kids, and now, I can’t imagine my life without you. I look back and wonder what my purpose was. Sure, I had dreams and goals but since you’ve come into my life, you make me want to try harder… And my purpose is more clear. I want to be everything that I can for you, do everything that I can for you. I want to raise a young boy into a great man, see you learn and grow… I look forward to everything you’re going to accomplish in life. You’re my child, but you’re also my best friend. The love you show me as my son, doesn’t compare to anything else in this world. You tell me I’m the bestest, or coolest, person you’ve ever met in your life… Venice, the same goes for you kiddo. Today you turn four. My big kid, with a sarcastic tongue, attitude like no other, whose favorite phrase is “what the hell”… I love you to the moon and back. Always. Happy birthday my son!
The cake I made for my child.
Edit: just read this to him, and though he may not have understood it all, his smile turned into a grin and he gave me a huge hug and said… “I love you so much. Thanks mom” ♥️
It starts with small droplets that fall from my eyes, creating a stream of tears that began to pool beneath me.
That pool gets bigger and bigger, turning into a sea. A sea that I alone am trapped in. Each wave grows, carrying every worry, every emotion, tossing my body around like a ragged doll.
Inconsiderate of the way my limbs bend and fold.
I am weightless. I am nothing.
This water that was once just a tear will consume me if I don’t try to fight against it. But I am tired. I ache. I am fighting a losing battle.
I sink below the salted water, I hold my breath. My arms are stretched out towards the surface, hoping someone saw me disappear, hoping they’d rescue me.
I’m sure plenty of people say this about their best friends…
“My best friend is one of a kind.”
When i say it though, I mean it. And I get that there are billions of people on planet earth, and I haven’t and will not meet them all, but for the people in my circle, the people that I have been introduced to, there is no one like her.
She does everything that is expected of a best friend.
Hell she does everything expected of a sister.
People find it odd when I say this, but I feel like she is my soulmate.
Not in the, I secretly love her kind of way. But in a way that says I was supposed to meet her and to establish this bond with her.
She has seen me at my highest and my lowest, has never judged me, and is completely honest with me…. she sees everything that I wish I could see in myself.
And I can only hope I do the same for her.
So this post is just sharing a piece of my life. My best friend.
I chose this color because I have a visitor. The kind you only see once a month. Along with the flow and the cramping… I am simply grumpy as hell.
Every little thing makes me want to yell. I also have terrible language, so at least 80% of the words coming out of my mouth are curse words.
My poor child. I really try to limit the things I say around him, but I am truly struggling.
Now, my mood isn’t like this every time. Just once in a while. Sometimes I wonder if I am just holding so much anger in, that I lose it all every months when my period shows. I wish I had more control over my emotions. it’s hard not to get irritated when you have a toddler, so that’s where patience is supposed to come in, but even that has been incredibly thin to me.
I look at my child at the end of the day and wish I could apologize and explain, I guess. But I don’t have the words because I’m not really sure how to explain it myself.
Simply saying, “Mom didn’t feel good today. I’m sorry for being distant, and yelling more than usual.” It feels like an excuse. And it’s not a good one.
Yesterday, you could hear the wind howling outside, the sound shaking the glass of your windows. They said snow was coming. Though just a light dusting was in the forecast, the cold chill was a sign that Winter would soon be making its appearance.
Fall is not over, but October is at its end. The first week of November will fly by and then I will be facing changes of my own. I’ve been a single parent for a year now. The relationship between my son and I is very strong. He has developed quite an attachment to me, as he should because I am his mother, however, I will be starting a new job soon. With that comes separation. Our time feels short.
Though I know that I need to do this full time career choice to be able to provide for us, I do not like the idea of seeing him for just a few hours of the day. It makes me feel like a bad parent. And I am curious to know how he will handle our situation.
I know I am not the only parent in the world who has had to deal with this. I know it’s going to take a lot of patience and strength. I am trying my best to prepare him for the change in our schedule and our time together, while also preparing myself. I have been out of traditional work for over a year and half. I feel isolated from the adult world. And I hope I don’t have any issues transferring back.
For you single parents out there who have had to face this, do you have any advice? My son is three, and already without a father figure majority of the time, how do I let him know that our relationship has not, will not, change?
Is it normal to be excited to get back to work, but also feel a little bit of a mess because you know you’re going to miss your child? Am I making the right decision? Should I try part time first, and just go all in and see what happens?
In the end, the conclusion is I want to be the mother I can be. I want to provide all that he needs, but be there for him in any way, for all things. Is that possible?
KeysThoughts 