Hey guys, I know it’s been a while since I’ve shared a thought or emotion about my life. So let me start by saying, I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
I know for some, the holidays can be stressful, or maybe you were lonely… But I do hope you made it through and look forward to the year 2023.
In my head, the holidays went perfectly. My son was happy. The food was good. The laughter of friends and family was heard. And we all remembered how grateful we were to have these memories, to have these people in our lives.
It seems I was let down and learned the lesson about having high hopes.
My year ended with me alone. Well not completely, I still have my son of course, and in the end, he is my everything.
But instead of all the love I thought I would feel, I received hate. I received jealousy. And it broke me.
My mother, yelled at me.
It wasn’t just a simple disagreement or argument, but she felt the need to yell about my personal matters, from my baby’s father, to who I turn to for support. She emotionally attacked me as a being, and stated “Fuck you.” She says she wants me out of her life forever. Keep in mind, she said these things in front of family; my cousins, my siblings, and my son
And sure, she is drunk, but it’s not the first time she has expressed such feelings towards me.
At one point in time, she has told me that I remind her of the person she hates.
The sadness hit hard. Because as my mother, I’d think you’re supposed to love me. No matter what. But, I don’t feel that way with her. She acts as if shed be better off if I wasn’t around. With her words and actions, I’ve decided to give her what she wants.
Though it pains me, her love is toxic. She makes me question who I am, my thoughts, my feelings, my looks… She is the true poison to my confidence.
This may be good.
I deserve love.