Alright, it’s time to be real.
I feel like most everything I have shared with you has been walks in the park.
But I didn’t start this blog just to treat it like a diary for the public to see.
I created it to share my thoughts, whether good or bad, controversial…
I want to put it out in the open because I am sure I am not the only one who has thoughts/feelings like these.
Everyone is faced with these choices in life that end up defining us, or changing the way we live our lives.
I’ve made many choices. My last few made me a single mother.
Let me explain what I mean.
TO BE or NOT TO BE
Don’t come after me for this post.
I discovered I was pregnant with my little man when I was five weeks in. I know that children are blessings in this world, but I wasn’t ready. I had only been with the man I was dating for five months, and I was just at the start of my writing career. (Looking back, it may have been my peak.)
I cried so hard because I felt like my life was over.
Hearing that a baby was a blessing, was just a saying. I didn’t understand what it meant. Growing up, I saw the struggles. The mental and emotional roller coasters that come with being a parent, and I didn’t want that responsibility.
And though I understood that it was my choice to have unprotected sex, I had asked, “Why did this happen?” Like I didn’t understand the simple science of it.
And then, for a few days I’ll admit, I thought… Do I want to have this baby?
I couldn’t believe such a thought could cross my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I was disappointed and hurt that I could even think of such a thing.
So my choice…. bring this baby into the world.
Provide for it. Care for it. Love it.
ALONE or TOGETHER
Three and half years later, I was faced with another decision.
My relationship with my son’s father had been on the rocks since I was pregnant.
We had our really good days and we had our shitty days. Some days I felt like I could love him forever, and other days I questioned why I was here. At some point, it felt like I was living with someone who wanted me to take care of them. I was living with someone that was a roommate, a stranger. A man who was attached to a couch, online gaming, and lingering eyes since I was three months into my pregnancy.
After I became a mom, my patience with everything else in life was little to none.
I am surprised how long we went on.
The thoughts of ending our relationship was sad. But they were occurring more frequently. I couldn’t ignore it. I would dread coming home to him. I knew that our relationship wasn’t normal. I knew that this wasn’t the relationship I wanted. But, I wanted my son to have a household I didn’t. So I held on.
I held on for years.
Then I made the decision.
And based on the parent he was while we were together, I could guess the kind of parent he was going to be while we were apart. I hoped otherwise of course, but as time goes on now, I know I was right.
I ended our relationship.
The moment he left the house, was the moment I became a single parent. I knew it was coming.
I didn’t just end a relationship with my sons father, but I made their relationship scarce, and I ultimately choose to raise my son alone.
I want to make a few things clear. He is not completely out of my sons life. He answers the phone when my son calls. He sees him for a few hours some Saturdays. He has asked to take my son with him to his girlfriends house with her parents, but it’s not something I feel comfortable with. (There will be more posts to shine a light on that subject). But I take care of his everyday needs. I don’t think of taking care of my son’s needs as a negotiation. I do it because I am his mother. I have no choice. His father… has a choice. Apparently.
I can’t look back with regret. Though I went through a lot of pain ans struggles, and I know there are more to come, I choose right.
My son is my everything.
He wouldn’t be here without his father.
I was given a shitty man, but that outcome of that was an amazing son.
I know I’m not the only one with a story like this. For my single parents, I hope you’re doing okay.
Please, share your story if you’re willing.